The last several months have been pretty stressful. Nothing serious has gone wrong (praise God), I think I have just been a bit depressed about our situation with me working, and Alex being unable to find a job and unable to make decent progress on his dissertation. I am sick of being exhausted all the time, and feeling like I never have enough time to do all the things I want to do. My spiritual life is not at a level I feel comfortable with, I haven’t been to confession in months, and prayer feels like one more thing to check off my “To Do” list. Alex and I never get to go on dates or get much alone time, and I struggle with the ideal vs. the real when it comes to the cleanliness and orderliness of my home.
BUT…we are finally starting to take some steps to change all this, and are having serious talks about moving to Denver and buying a house! Luckily, we will be able to put a substantial amount down on a mortgage so our monthly payments would probably be less than we are paying now for rent. Of course there is a lot to think about, and I am a worrier by nature, so I have a million thoughts running through my head: What if we can’t find a job right away? Are we stupid to even consider moving up there without a job lined up? Are we going to have enough money to get out of our lease? What are we going to do about health insurance? Etc. Etc. Wouldn’t it be great if I could just trust God to work out all the details? I’m working on it….
This is how I picture my future. Alex would have a job he loves that pays decent so we could have more kids. He would be happy and fulfilled, and would come home to a family that missed him dearly and can’t wait to smother him with hugs and kisses. I would get to be home with the kiddos and would provide a rich, Catholic environment for them, where prayer is an important part of the day, going to daily Mass is a regular part of life, and we celebrate the feast days of the liturgical calendar with fun foods and crafts. I really want to homeschool, but the thought of being responsible for my children’s education is a bit overwhelming, so I would spend lots of time preparing a preschool curriculum for little Alex. And because he hasn’t had much social time with other kids, I would schedule lots of playdates and activities. I would cook nutritious meals, and make sure my family is healthy and happy.
Even though things are a bit tough, I am so grateful for all my blessings. My family is a constant source of joy, and I try to remind myself to enjoy this crazy phase of my life. And how can I not smile when I get to look at these beautiful faces everyday?